From Newsarama…
TALKING TO THE BASTARD: CAL McDONALD
by Aaron Weisbrod
It’s only fair to warn everyone that this interview came about under somewhat dubious circumstances.
While attempts were originally made to contact writer Steve Niles about the latest upcoming Cal McDonald mini-series, The Last Train to Deadsville, it turns out that the writer himself was too busy writing another slew of horror titles and selling the film option to his grocery list from last week…
Initially distraught, we thought that we were going to be left out in the cold… until it was suggested that we could speak with Cal himself. Being that one doesn’t get an opportunity to chat with a fictional character too often (put your hand down Grant Morrison), we went for it.
As you about to read, while we did get some information about the upcoming mini-series from the “star” of the series itself (and we use that term extremely loosely), things soon flew off the tracks as…
Well…
Read on and see for yourself… and then stay tuned for the much more civil interview with artist Kelley Jones later this week.
Newsarama: OK… let’s start by talking about Cal McDonald, the person.
Cal McDonald: Look Oprah, If you’re gonna get all touchy-feely with me, there’s gonna be trouble!
NRAMA: Well, what I was getting at was this: fans of your various exploits in both the comic book and literary genres usually only see you popping pills, slugging back drinks, and shooting monsters… but surely your life consists of more than that, right? What do you do during your time-off - you know… during the quiet moments?
CM: Those are my quiet moments.
Okay, that’s not the whole truth. I get a little rest when I’m in the hospital or knocked out. Last week this big ugly freak-job with a fist the size of a Buick knocked me out cold for an hour and I kinda enjoyed it…until I woke up and he was trying to chew my leg off.
NRAMA: Speaking of things that chew people’s legs off… you make your living killing monsters, yet your best friend is an undead ghoul. How did the two of you meet, and how have you gone about maintaining your friendship despite what some may call “irreconcilable difference”?
CM: I met Mo’Lock in an alley in Washington D.C. I didn’t think much of it at first, but then the big dead lug saved me from a werewolf and we’ve been buds ever since. The reason I look past our “irreconcilable difference” as you put it, college boy, is because ghouls don’t hurt people. That’s where I’m misunderstood. I don’t hate monsters because they’re monsters. I hate them because they eat people.
NRAMA: Fair enough. Well, to shift gears slightly, you’ve been lucky enough to have your visage portrayed by some of the hottest artists in comicdom, including Ben Templesmith and now, in the upcoming mini-series The Last Train to Deadsville, Kelley Jones. Honestly, though, who’s your favorite? Who draws the best Cal?
CM: Look, I don’t give a sh*t about the funny books! Niles didn’t even tell about them until they were already on the stands and I had to slap his big head around because of it. As far as the likeness, I guess they’re all okay. Templesmith… the Australian punk’s got a lot of mood. And that Kelley Jones…I gotta admit it looks pretty damn great. He’s got a cool style. But I can’t believe grown men make a living drawing funny books. I mean, do these guys ever get laid?
NRAMA: Uh… that kind of information is strictly for a certain column at another website all together, Cal. So how about Steve Niles, then? He writes about all of your exploits and seems to be quite the golden-boy in comics these days. I mean, he’s writing something along the lines of six dozen horror-based mini-series at the moment, and he also recently formed a partnership with heavy-metal musician Rob Zombie. What’s the deal with this cat? Tell us the truth, Cal… who does he have blackmail-worthy information on?
CM: Niles is okay. He’s what I call “a reader”. He’s got all kinds of shit going on in his brain that has nothing to do with real life. I checked out one the comics, something about vampires. It was pretty cool, I guess. The reason I let him write about my stuff is ‘cuz he listens and doesn’t exaggerate. I talk. He types.
Look, between you and me the guy’s a little bit of a freak, but he’s a good kid and people seem to like his stupid-ass stories, so who am I to judge?
NRAMA: I don’t know if you’ve heard this or not, but the word on the street is that, in The Last Train to Deadsville, all of the various types of monsters are joining forces to take you out once and for all by any means necessary. Is this true?
CM: I was at Niles’ place last week and I saw the script. I told him that some of it was all wrong. What happened in the town got pretty sticky, but it wasn’t just monsters that were after my ass…it was something much more sinister. Look… see this scar? Two thousand freakin’ stitches!!!
NRAMA: What, is that like head to foot? You’ve tussled with everything from werewolves to vampires to zombies in your… uh… illustrious career. Which type of monster worries you the most or gives you the most trouble?
CM: Vampires. Those fancy-pants bastards can’t be trusted and they’re smart. Not only that, but they’re freakin’ everywhere! I think right now the blood-sucker population in most major US cities outnumbers the rat population. I sh*t you not.
NRAMA: Right… Well, Cal, you’re an “expert” on paranormal phenomenon, so tell me, based on your “expert” opinion, who’d win in a fight between Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster? Several years ago “Celebrity Death Match” have it to Nessie, but me… I’m not so sure. I mean, I think that Bigfoot fella could be quite a scrapper if he got in close…
CM: You making fun of me? You think this is all a joke? Tell you what, they’d both kick your ass!
NRAMA: Uh-huh. And why do aliens predominantly abduct low-income blue-collar folks from the southwestern parts of the United States? Any thoughts on that?
CM: Because the dumb-asses walk right up to the ship thinking it’s some kind of new model trailer, probably.
NRAMA: And speaking of aliens, what’s the fascination with anal probing, anyway? Do you have any “inside knowledge” on this? C’mon, man - inquiring minds want to know!
CM: I assume it’s because most people talk out their ass – just like yourself, comic-reporter-boy – so they think that’s where all the pertinent information is. That, or they care and want to make sure there are no obstructions in the intestinal tract before they enslave you.
NRAMA: OK, OK… on a more serious note… who’d win in a barroom brawl between you and that other occult rabble-rouser John “Hellblazer” Constantine? Hmmm?
CM: I hate to tell you this, but that blonde-haired Sting look-alike is a fictional character… but if he did exist I’d ram his head up his hocus-pocus ass and use him as a hoola-hoop. Then I’d suggest a good dentist.
NRAMA: I take it the outcome would be similar in a drinking contest?
CM: Please. Are we almost finished?
NRAMA: OK, fine. Finally, Cal, is there anything else you’d like to mention before we wrap this up?
CM: Yeah, buy everything Niles puts out so he can pay me back the money he owes me!
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